Saturday, December 18, 2010


I mostly like to pat myself on the back for conquering my hypothalamic amenorrhea. I don't overexercise anymore (I don't know how I would with the two kids!), and I eat pretty normally, including probably more than my fair share of chocolate.

But Thursday night, my HA mentality reared itself in full force. I had two choices of activities for that evening - my work holiday party at a nice place in town, or a scrimmage with my hockey team.

I *should* have picked the work party. But I didn't. And you know what my reason was? I picked burning calories over consuming them. And I actually thought about it like that. I knew there would be all kinds of yummy food at the party, so rather than go and enjoy myself, I opted to avoid it.

Which is really, really lame. And I'm kicking myself for it now. I don't get to see my coworkers much these days as I'm only in the office one day a week, and I've known a bunch of them for a long time, and consider them friends.

Hopefully I have learned my lesson from this, though, and even if I do feel pre-tortured by the food options, I will go, I will eat, and I will enjoy myself.

I really don't know why I even think about this, I'm at a perfectly healthy weight, and despite my recent splurges, the scale hasn't budged. So what was I so worried about? Stupid stupid stupid.

I guess the mindset never fully goes away, no matter how much we might tell ourselves we're over it.

Do you ever regress like this?? How do you handle it?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I took Ceejay's excellent suggestion to use progesterone to try and fiddle with my cycle in order not to be bleeding at my appointment on 12/13. I started progesterone on cd14, with the hopes that if I took it for eight days, the drop in progesterone at that point would cause the crimson bitch to ride, and I'd be CD6 for the appointment.

Well, not so much. I ovulated on CD16 and had my usual non-progesterone-lengthened 10-day LP, so I ended up being CD4. I guess my LP wants to be 10 days come hell or high water! However, this period put the crimson in crimson bitch. I think I had my heaviest flow *ever* on CD1, and actually bled through my tampon overnight, CD1-2 which has never happened to me before. CD2 was medium, CD3 light, so by the time my apt rolled around on CD4 I was just spotting. I was already feeling much more sanguine about the appointment by that stage, as the bitch was much more normal than my previous five cycles, where I'd never gotten past the "light" flow (in my terms anyway).

Soooooooo... the doc came in to do the hysteroscopy. In hindsight, I probably should have asked how frequently she performs these, I'm guessing based on how it went, that the answer is "not often". There was a label on the machine that said "use Filter A for hysteroscopy (flexible tube), Filter OFF for Xoscopy (hard tube)" (I forget what the X was). anyway, it took about 15-20 minutes for her to figure out how to turn filter A on, which got rid of black circles that were in the picture. Lovely. Then she tried for about five minutes to get the camera through my cervix with no success. dilated with a pipette (no problem), and then was able to get it in. Problem was, everything was super fuzzy, she couldn't get it focused properly. So they injected me with a ton of saline to try and clear things out - THAT was uncomfortable. I felt like I could feel it flooding out of my tubes into my abdominal cavity if that's even possible! then she said she was at the fundus (top of my ute), but kept getting these funny orange/pink wavy lines that were going across the screen that wouldn't go away.

Then she had the nurse go and get another camera. this one looked totally sketchy, there was this black gunk that was all over the picture and seemed to be on the camera as it was static. I was less than thrilled with that, wondering if it could introduce infection, but of course I didn't say a word. This one also did the pink wavy line thing, but we did get to at least get a fuzzy view of the top of my uterus and the entrances to my tubes, both of which seemed to be clear.

She did apologize that things did not work out terribly well, but said that the fact that my uterus did inflate nicely with the saline and there were no obvious adhesions, along with the fact that my period was more normal, suggested to her that if there was any scarring at all, it was quite minimal. I think I can agree with that.

The final directive was to 'go forth and fornicate'. Well, not quite in those words. But we are "definitely" to try this cycle, as there seems to be a higher incidence of pregnancy post HSC/HSG as things might be cleaned out. We weren't actually planning on it because if I were to get pregnant the baby would be due very close to Timmy's bday, and I already worry about him as a middle child, so i was thinking it might be better for him to have his birthday celebration be unique. But consensus amongst people I've polled (which includes me as my sister's bday is six days after mine) is that it can be fun to have birthdays together, and certainly not a bad thing. So I think we'll go for it. (Because chances are it's not going to end up being an issue anyway, right?) If you have anything to add to the discussion of close sibling birthdays, I'd love to hear it!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Game on!

Called my OB's office last Monday to politely request a hysteroscopy. Almost had a fit trying to explain to the receptionist what I wanted. Anyone else have that problem? Perfectly articulate in most situations, but ask me to talk to a nurse or doctor and it's as if my brain turns into a little puddle of mush. Fortunately after that practice round I was more ready when the nurse called me back and managed to get out "hysteroscopy" and "periods different since my D&C's" in approximately the right order, so she said she'd have Dr. B. call me.

I waited.

I waited.

I tried to decide how much longer I should wait.

And then lo and behold, a message on my phone. How the F I managed to miss the call I have no idea because my phone was on and ready... the message was relatively promising, Dr. B said that she'd recommend a saline sonohysterogram and that I could call and schedule it - OR, that I could call her. AND, she left a number for me to reach her at and HFS she actually answered the phone!

So we had a nice chat, I told her that I'd been doing some research online which most of her patients probably say and she probably hates, but she sounded okay with it, and I mentioned that from what I'd read, a hysteroscopy might be better than the SHG. She said that she felt they were about the same for diagnosis, but that if I'd prefer the HSC that would be fine with her. Go me!

Her appointment scheduler then called me this am, and I have an appointment for 12/13.

NOW, I just have to get my cycle to line up. If all goes as it has been I'd ovulate on 11/27. If I don't take progesterone, AF should arrive at 12/8 which would mean theoretically it would be over by the time 12/13 rolls around. So I'm actually hoping for a short LP this cycle. I know I've read about things to make an LP longer - anyone know how to make it shorter? I guess I could go on a weight loss binge, that might do the trick ;)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Not so much.

Well, the crimson bitch hasn't shown up yet, but the stupid pee stick is still as pristine white as a freshly fallen field of snow, so she probably will sometime today. I'm usually not an advocate of early testing, but had I not tested all along I would have been crushed by a bfn this morning - with all the cramping I *really* thought there was good news coming. I'm definitely disappointed. More so than on my previous cycles, I think because I did have that sense of optimism this time that was absent on my other post D&C cycles. Guess it's on to checking out my ute.

Update: HA HA - hit publish, went to the bathroom, and there she is. Good timing.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Hopeful is creeping in.

It may all be in my head. Probably is. BUT, I'm feeling a little hopeful for this cycle after all. It started yesterday with my temp up to 98.7, which is the highest it's ever been. So I broke down and POAS (it is REALLY not good to have a whole hoard of the internet cheapies, they make me do things I'd never do if I had to go out and spend the cash). It was a BFN. That's not entirely surprising given that yesterday was only 10dpo. But, all day yesterday I felt crampy down there. Today my temp was 99.2 and I'm not feeling well, so that can be chalked up to being sick (and probably yesterday's temp as well.) Plus, I have NOT been sleeping well - I'm completely exhausted, but lie awake once I get to bed, and have woken up randomly through the night as well. So that could also be affecting the temps. What's really weird is that normally when I can't get to sleep it's because something's bothering me and I can't get it out of my head - but the last few nights I've just laid there thinking about nothing. Just not asleep. Very strange. Anyway, today was another BFN because once you've started you can't stop. But more cramping too. So despite the stark white nothingness on the stupid tests, I'm still feeling more hopeful than I want to.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Hoping, but not hopeful.

So I ovulated sometime in the last few days, CD14-15 again. Maybe I'm just masking a problem, but it seems to me that the docs who say, "there's no such thing as luteal phase defect" and don't take an individual's particular circumstances into account are doing their patients a disservice. Maybe LPD doesn't reach statistical significance in medical studies, but that doesn't mean it can't be the case for individuals.

If this cycle is not it, we're going to take some time off ttc - if I were to get pregnant next cycle my due date would be about 10 days before Ant will start kindergarten, and I feel like that is just too much upheaval at once for a tender little soul. It's already going to stink because the first day of kindergarten is his birthday! The cycle after that, my due date would be the day before Timmy's birthday. I worry that if we are lucky enough to have a third child, he will be a classic middle child (he's showing a lot of signs of that kind of temperament already), so I'd like to do as much as I can to keep him feeling special and not lost in the shuffle, and so I think not sharing a birthday with a younger sibling is important.

That does, however, give us some time to figure out if there's something wrong. I'm afraid that having the two D&C's might have caused Asherman's syndrome. My periods have not been the same since the D&C's - not absent, but much lighter than they used to be. I have an OB apt scheduled for 12/9. Hopefully that's not the problem, but if it is, we have a little while to figure it out.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Facebook can be really tough when you've experienced a loss, or are trying to get pregnant and having no luck. I know that I've been blindsided a few times, and that's even with already having two preshus kids of my own.

So THIS is well worth checking out if you've ever felt similarly.

I think it's my favorite blog post EVER!

Friday, October 01, 2010

I think I'm the only one really interested in this,

but I'm going to post it anyway.

I got a +++ OPK today (test line WAY darker than the control) somewhat to my surprise as I haven't had nearly as much CM as I usually do. Today is CD14, so I'll likely have a CD15 O this cycle.

That's made me really curious about the theory I proposed in my last post, so I figured I could check it by comparing the length of time between my ovulations - if my theory is correct, that would be constant, despite the change in LP.

Sure enough, my average time between ovulations is 28 days (wow, normal!). For my post Timmy cycles, it's been 28,29,28,30,24,29,27,29,26,27, and 29 days (the last assuming I O tomorrow). So it does seem that the "earlier" ovulation is not actually earlier, but just on an earlier cycle day because of my LP being lengthened by progesterone.

Like I said, I don't think anyone else cares, but I think it's fascinating! I would be so curious to know if it's true for anyone else, but I think that people taking progesterone for LPD without any other interventions are few and far between.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

More bullets

Not enough time to blog about everything I'd like to. So more random thoughts.

* DH has worked until 10pm the last four business days. He recently started a new job so that he wouldn't have to travel (which was a strong possbility with the job he left). However, this is NOT better!

* CD4 today. Or maybe 5. I did not have high hopes for this past cycle, but I'm still more bummed than I have let on to almost everyone.

* I did in fact O on CD13 last cycle. It is amazing how quickly that comes up when it's only 8 days post AF, instead of two weeks as was my usual!

* I have a theory on the early O, would love to know if anyone else has experienced this (although I think that in general taking progesterone on natural cycles is fairly unusual). So, last cycle was the first one this round of ttc where I used progesterone, and it extended my LP from 10 to 14 days. So that put CD1 four days later than it would have been otherwise... and I'm thinking that perhaps it aligned my cycles better? Was my O date the same as it would have been, but just on an early CD because of my lengthened LP? The same thing happened to me when we were ttc Timmy, my O's had been CD28 and CD27 the two previous cycles, I used progesterone which extended my LP from 7 days to 16 days and O'ed the following cycle on CD16. The earlier CD of my O seems to be balanced by the longer LP - make any sense?

* I'm a little worried that the D&C's screwed things up in there - after the post-D&C bleeding stopped, my first period was mostly spotting for 8 days, one day of heavy flow. The second was way lighter than usual, four light days and three days of spotting, very similar so far this time. I'm wondering if my lining is not getting thick enough for implantation? I think my plan is to see how the next few cycles go, and if nothing by the end of the year see if I can get a mid-cycle u/s to see what's going on in there. I hope I don't get there, but have a feeling I will.

Friday, September 03, 2010

Cycle fun

There is never a dull moment when one does not have regular cycles. I find that from the moment I start temping at CD11-12, all the way through AF, there's a constant refrain in my head, "what does x mean? could I have ovulated already? is it just around the corner? OOooh, my temp jumped, did I O? Wait, back down again, what does that mean? Noooooo, below coverline, AF coming? Wait, maybe implantation dip? Oooh, really high temp, is that good? Ah back down again, AF? Yup" Rinse, lather, repeat.

So my "normal" is to ovulate somewhere around CD21, with a 10 day LP, so my cycles aren't too far off 28 days, although waiting three weeks every month to ovulate is annoying, plus the fact that my skin only clears up between ovulation and period, and since that's so short I spend a vast amount of time bemoaning the red spots. (I had lovely skin as a teenager, why now????)

I really do go on a rollercoaster ride every month. Last month, EWCM started up at CD8! I was totally stoked, maybe that would mean an early ovulation? I had a couple of really high (for me) temps around CD13, so I thought I actually might have ovulated for a few days, but my CM didn't dry up and my temp didn't stay up, so that was a no-go. 12 days after my first EWCM I finally did O... as we'd been on the every other day plan, I was *really* not into the BMS on the last few days, although we did based on my cervical position (I know WAY more about my cycle than I ever could have imagined!). So I finally O'ed on CD20 last cycle.

This cycle, I really had nothing until CD11 when I started having fairly copious EW (and my CP was high when I checked at night). I went off to buy some OPKs yesterday, CD12, so that we didn't end up in the same forced march of BMS that we did last cycle. Took one when I got home, and lo and behold, I had a hard time convincing myself that it was not positive. One caveat was that when I opened the box it turned out they expired in July, but if that were a problem that they just wouldn't work, not that all of a sudden they would start giving false positives. As Josey would say, "HFS!!!!" I'm still not at all convinced given last month, but today's OPK was not positive by any stretch of the imagination, so maybe it really will happen today or tomorrow, which would be CD13 or 14, imagine that! I've now charted 16 cycles, had one CD15 O, one on CD16, and all the rest have been CD20+. (Ranging from CD20-CD44).

Fun times!

Monday, August 23, 2010

The mess in my head. Bullet style. Maybe. with paragraphs too.

I have way way way too much going on in my head right now.

* CD2 today. boo. At least it was a 14 day LP though, thanks to progesterone.

* Ant turns four next Monday. Bday party planned for Saturday. Must bake cake, make frosting, decorate cake all of which usually keep me up until the wee hours, three nights in a row. Plus figure out what food we will serve, do we want to borrow a pool, what games should I plan?

* I don't know if I've mentioned it on here, but we're building a new house. It has been a long and painful process which has included a falling out with our architect, major structural issues thanks to said architect which necessitated replacing the main carrying beam with a steel beam and a huge delay because of that. Now at the final strech but that means picking everything from sinks to lights to tile and colors. I am slowly making headway, but it's SO hard to try and coordinate everything. I spend at least two hours every night working on it, which means REALLY late bedtimes. And then I can't get to sleep because of thinking about all this.

* I've worked an extra 8 hours a week (that's 50% more than usual) over the last couple of weeks because a bunch of stuff I've been working on all of a sudden is going to be presented to the FDA.

* Been trying to be a little more proactive in the friends arena (honestly most of the time I'm okay with being the one to initiate things, it's just when I'm sad about something else it all comes crashing down on me), thanks to your comments and Mara's directive to MWF seeks BFF. Left my phone number for a neighbor I really like, and we've chatted on the phone a few times although not actually managed to make plans due to end of summer craziness. and have a playdate with one of Ant's school friends on Weds, AND they're coming to his party on Sat (cue nerves... am I going to measure up? is the party?)

* I would really love to have a little girl to complement my two boys. The chinese gender chart has been right for all three pg so far... I have hamsters going around and around in my head on this issue - do I wait until my next 'girl month' or not? Until CD1 I was pretty sure I was going to wait, now not so much... hamsters!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

In need of a hug.

I've been feeling really sad and lonely these past few days. I have a fair number of "friends" IRL, but I feel like I'm the only one who tries in our relationships, most of them never call unless it in response to a message I've left, and it really makes me wonder if there's something about me that turns people off. I have such a hard time making friends because I'm naturally an introvert and mostly don't even strike up conversation with anyone even if I think I might like to, so I only have a few friends that I've collected at each stage of my life. And everyone just seems so wrapped up in their own lives right now - I know I am, but I still make time to call people, especially when I know there's something going on with them.

A few of my friends called post D&C, but nothing for a few weeks now. I just found out that Schweffel was in fact Schweffelette, a chromosomally normal female. I knew that was a possibility, the normal part, but it leaves so many more question marks than if the result was some kind of abnormality. I doubt it was the fact that I wasn't taking progesterone as that's right around the time the placental progesterone is supposed to take over, but it's definitely a what if. (That I'm going to avoid in the future by taking progesterone for sure. I honestly didn't think I'd get pregnant with a barely 10-day LP without it.)

Getting back to the friends thing, I've even tried to perhaps make some new friends by inviting some of Antony's classmates/parents over for playdates - the other mothers haven't even reciprocated the invitation, let alone become friends. Like I said, I really wonder what it is that I'm doing wrong.

Have you made any good (girl)friends in your adult life? How did you meet them? How did you end up being friends instead of just acquaintances?

Monday, July 19, 2010

ha ha ha. Implantation spotting.

Yeah, not so much. CB is here in full force today. At least it's a 7-day LP instead of 6, that makes me feel better somehow.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

And the Crimson Bitch rides???

My temps have been a little wonky since the day I may have O'ed. I was all stoked the first two days after, as my temps were nice and high, 97.9 and 98. Third day, though, back down to the basement at 97.4. Gah. So no confirmation of anything from FF. Which of course is the only thing that makes an ovulation real, right?

I plugged in some fake temps, and if I got two MORE days of high temps, after the first FF would give me a "you may have O'ed sometime between CD27 and 32", and confirm it at CD28 if I got a second one.

I often do that and almost always seem to get something different in reality. My temps do like to mess with me! This time, though, I did actually get another 98, and then 97.9, so that counted, yay! It's nice to know that at least I know my body after all this.

Friday night I spent lying in bed thinking about how nice it would be to have a progesterone pee stick to confirm ovulation, instead of all this temping bizness. Why has no-one invented one? I figure it would have a reasonable market, at least among IF patients? I spent much time thinking about what I'd need to research (number one being is progesterone detectable in urine (answer - yes)!), how I could find lab space if it was something I wanted to move forward with, that kind of thing. What do you think, would you have / would you be interested in purchasing something like that?

Saturday my temp was down a bit to 97.7, then today 97.5, and spotting started this morning. I thought it would have turned into CB by now, but still just spotting. Brownish mucousy gunk, lovely! At the first spot of pink on the tp, I thought, "implantation spotting"? Although I've never had that before so it's unlikely. But the rest of the gunk really does seem to herald CB. If she holds off until tomorrow at least that would be a 7-day LP instead of just 6. I was so hoping that as my LP was pretty consistently 10 days before my loss it would be so again, but, sigh, not to be.

I'm definitely using progesterone next cycle, I'm tired of all the what-ifs.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I MUST be imagining things.

I noticed a very small amount of EWCM last Wednesday, but just chalked it up to random post-D&C spewage. But I figured now that I had really stopped bleeding I might as well start temping and paying attention to things again, given I had the green light to start trying again. So I took my temp the next morning. Started checking my cervical position on Saturday, low, as I had expected.

BUT, yesterday I had a ton of EWCM, and my CP last night was way high. And then my temp was up to 97.9 this morning, which is well in the range of my usual post-O temps.

I'll have to temp for a few more days to confirm anything, and I'm trying very very hard not to get in the least bit hopeful (this is much quicker than my usual O's, normally I get 3-4 days of consistent EWCM, for one thing), and bms was not very well timed if in fact I did O, plus I'm expecting to be back to short LPs...

But if I did in fact O, HOLY SHIT!! I was so not expecting this for at least another few weeks given that I usually don't O until the CD20's.

So I think this must all just be wishful thinking!

Friday, July 09, 2010

More update

I had my followup apt yesterday, it was all of about 10 minutes, all we did was chat. Doc asked if my bleeding had stopped, which it had as of the day before. All of a sudden, gone.

She apologized again that I had to come in for a second D&C, which was a nice segue into the comments I wanted to make. I mentioned that I A) didn't understand why they didn't use u/s the first time - her answer was that there isn't one available on the day surgery floor vs. the second time I had it done in the L&D OR, B) why none of the OBs stopped by to see me after either procedure. The second was particularly galling, as umpteen hundred people introduced themselves to me beforehand, anesthesiologists (who did stop by), interns, fellows, residents, attending... not ONE of them came to see me afterwards.

She said she'd take that feedback to them, as well as for herself, which is all I could really ask for.

I also asked if there was any medical reason not to ttc right away, and she very honestly said, "no". She said it's basically so they have an easier time dating the pg. She said that she wouldn't necessarily recommend TI, but also wouldn't tell us to use any kind of protection. So it was nice to have my Pubmed research backed up.

Genetic testing results will probably take another 2 weeks or so, as they actually have to grow the cells from the fetus. I had thought they could just extract the DNA, but apparently they don't get enough that way so they have to culture the cells first. She sounded a little iffy about whether that could happen or not, probably because it was so long between Schweffels' demise and when they got the tissue out is my guess.

Oh, and I chickened out on asking for a beta. My pg test this morning was totally negative (yesterday was a shadow of a line, it's been getting lighter every day which I think is a good thing), so it's probably < 10 at this point.

Finally, doc asked if I'd like to come in for an early scan 'next time'. I actually declined - given that Schweffel was measuring 8w6d when I was 9w3d I believe his heart had only stopped recently - so I don't see that an early scan would give me any peace of mind at all, and I think would make another loss that much harder to bear, having seen earlier that everything was okay.

Monday, July 05, 2010

13 weeks.

I would have been 13 weeks tomorrow. Which means that everyone who is due around when I was is now announcing their pregnancies. I absolutely do not begrudge a single one of them. But I'm finding it a lot harder than I thought I would to say "congratulations". I want to say that I was supposed to have a baby then too. But then I don't know if that's raining on their parade and I should just say congrats and be done with it.

In many ways I'm sadder now than I was when we first found out. Then we had to deal with the logistics. Now I'm just waiting. And thinking.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Update (too tired to think of anything better)

My internet cheapies finally arrived, of course I couldn't WAIT to marry stick with pee. I don't know why I was so excited, really no result is a good one. But nonetheless, I hopped up on that cup as soon as I could manage. I was surprised that I didn't see a hint of a second line as the stick got wet, so I left it for a couple of minutes while I dealt with dinner. Came back and there was the faintest of faint second lines, definitely of the million suns variety. So my beta is probably in the neighborhood of 20-ish, as that's the sensitivity of the test. so that's not too bad. I'll be interested to see how long it takes to become undetecable. I'll probably test every day since I now have 25 tests, and who doesn't like a good morning pee-on-a-stick?

In other news, as my hormones have normalized, my tummy has gone down a bit, and I've lost most of the weight I had gained, so I'm feeling much better about myself. Still have the zits, but that's an ongoing problem (which it turns out maybe be caused by all the skim milk I drink). So all in all feeling a little better.

One thing that has really been bugging me is in regards to a woman who I had thought of as a friend. She is DH's best friend's wife. DH told his friend both about the pregnancy and when we lost Schweffel. I was a bit sad when she didn't call me at the good news, but whatever. But when she didn't call after the bad, I realized that in fact she is not my friend after all. Which sucks. I saw her today at an Eclipse trip organized by another mutual friend. She did apologize for not calling, but said, "I meant to call. But life got in the way". Seriously???? You couldn't fucking find five minutes to pick up the phone and see how I was doing? Never mind that when she was going through IF, and had an early m/c I was calling her ALL the time. With TWO kids AND working part time, where she's a SAHM with ONE. Give me a fucking break.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

can I get some cheese with that whine?

I got a call from my doc on Thursday, saying that the pathology report was back and this time they did find fetal tissue. So that at least is good (seems like genetic analysis will happen after all). And I had a little bleeding on Monday but not much, but it picked up again on Wednesday and seemed kinda like period bleeding, so I'm thinking that's a good sign too. She said based on that, no more betas... but I ordered some internet cheapies so that I can see if in fact it does get back to undetectable at some point. Theoretically a dose of 10,000 units of hcg is out of your system in 7-10 days, so I'm thinking that my beta should be undectable probably in around 11-12, although it does seem that there are some tissue reserves that are left behind so that it can take a bit longer.

Emotionally I'm doing alright. despite the fact that I feel okay most of the time, I have a really hard time telling anyone who doesn't know already. And I also am feeling really crappy in general because I totally still look like I'm pg (I have an abdominal muscle separation from Ant and Timmy, so I pop really early) - I have never had a small waist, but it already had gone from 29.5 to 32 inches... and so now none of my clothes fit and I just feel gross. It's very different when you can rationalize it because you have a baby in there versus just looking fat. And I know that probably no-one notices but me (although I few coworkers I told about my loss told me they were beginning to wonder, so it's really not just me but I try and make myself feel better by telling myself that it is). And on top of that my skin is being really crappy now, so in general I'm just feeling really really unattractive, again not that anyone really cares, but it's just one more thing to add to the pile of crap, you know? It sucks. Also because not only had I already gained a couple of pounds while pg, but a few more since that (I am not one to quit eating when I'm sad about something, unfortunately). And of course, I'm worried that it's going to take me forever to start cycling again. Also, stupid, I know, but I can't help it. Sigh.

sorry to be so whiny about such miniscule things, but that's where I'm at right now.

Monday, June 21, 2010

D&C part deux.

Today was harder for me that last week. I went to the L&D floor in the hospital (which is where I spent yesterday afternoon) instead of the day surgery unit. Fortunately I didn't see anyone in labor, but still, being there was just a little bitter.

It was a little more private and quiet, which was nice. Last week we got to listen to a teenage boy and his anesthesiologist arguing about which form of anesthesia was best.

My right arm is still bruised from last week's IV, so I asked the nurse to put it into my left. She did not do a great job, it was probably the most painful needle stick I've ever had (and I have had a LOT, as has anyone who's gone through IF treatments). And I have *huge* veins, seriously 1/4 inch in diameter if not slightly more. So really, how tough can it be? Anyway, the pain, although it really wasn't that bad, just got to me. I found myself thinking, "I really do not want to be here again". And I just couldn't stop myself from crying. At first it was just a few tears slipping out, and I asked the nurse if she could go and get DH, by the time he came in I was full out bawling. And of course that was right when the nurses were switching over so both of them were in the room too. Very sympathetic, but sometimes you just want to cry in private.

I managed to pull myself together eventually, and then the parade of doctors started. I met interns, more nurses, residents, the anesthesia resident and attending, the OB attending and fellow - Mark was calling it the DisneyWorld approach, where every few minutes they have someone else come in to break the tedium and make you feel like you're getting somewhere, just like the videos and things to look at when you're in line in DW. I thought it was quite an apt comparison!

We did make sure to ask what they were going to do to make absolutely sure they would get everything. They were all quite apologetic that it didn't work the first time, and said they'd be using ultrasound to guide them. Mark did ask about a hysteroscopy as that was what finally got everything cleared out for a friend who also had multiple D&C's, but they said there was too much tissue and would be bleeding so an internal camera wouldn't actually be that helpful. Made sense.

They let me walk back to the OR, although I couldn't get up onto the table until the brought over a stool, it was so high! At that point they started the IV meds, and once again, next thing I knew I was coming back into the room to meet M. Once again, none of the OBs who actually did the procedure stopped by to see me (that annoyed me last time too and I will definitely be speaking to MY OB about it when I see her next), but she did at least stop by and see Mark. She told him they were cleaning me up, and that my uterus was much more upright than normal, which made for quite a difficult procedure, and explained why they didn't get everything the last time. I suppose some explanation is better than none.

I really really really do not want to do this a third time, so I hope that they really did get everything.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Nico = 0, Doctors = 14,500.

My beta today was 14,500. So much for my pretty little graph.

I was lucky in that I hardly had to wait at all for the ultrasound, they had told me it could be as long as a couple of hours. It felt weird to be wheeled down to u/s on a gurney when I'm perfectly capable of walking, but whatever.

The u/s tech started by looking at my kidneys, then bladder, then went to my uterus. I could see a little bit of what was going on on the screen, and it totally looked to me like there was still something in there. I asked, and she agreed (even though I guess they're not supposed to give you "results".) She then went to the vaginal u/s, but had the screen so I couldn't see anything. I guess probably because it might be somewhat disturbing. We chatted quite a bit about all kinds of things, and in the course of that, she mentioned that it basically looked like they D&C had done absolutely nothing. Lovely.

She went out after that to talk to the doc or one of her colleagues, and I sat up and took a peek at the screen. The first few pictures looked like a perfectly formed fetus to me, all curled up in 'fetal' position and everything. And yes, it was disturbing. Of course I couldn't resist taking another look just to make myself feel worse, and then realized, duh, that it was actually the kidney pictures I was looking at. They really did look remarkably like an embryo! The vaginal u/s pictures were actually on pages 2/3 of the pics, and I didn't want to get into trouble for scrolling to those. So I just satisfied myself with her interpretation.

went back to L&D after that to talk about what next. They scheduled me for another D&C and gave me a prescription for misoprostol as well because I wasn't sure if I wanted to give that a shot, since obviously the D&C didn't work. After talking to a few people on my ride home, including a friend who had both a natural m/c after one pg, tried the misprostol which didn't work and ended up with a D&C after another, and recalling JV's comments about her natural m/c, I did decide to try the D&C again. I will make sure not to leave the hospital until they have shown me an ultrasound picture of my uterus with nothing in it! I know that's not a guarantee, but it will certainly be better than the last attempt.

Maybe that's why I felt absolutely no side effects from that!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

In which I know more than the doctors?

Spoke to the on-call OB doc this morning. He said that my beta was 19,000, which he was saying was really high compared with my previous numbers of ~300 and ~600. So they want me to come in for an u/s before Monday. I reminded him that, um, the 300 and 600 were for my previous pregnancies, at 14 and 15dpo repectively, so not really a good baseline to use. dumbass.

Anyway, because they didn't take a beta at all this pg, and he seems to think 19K is high (although Dr. Google says the range for 9-12 weeks is 25,500 to 288,000 so 19,000 doesn't seem so high to me for only 4 days past D&C. I've seen estimates from 12-36 hours for the half-life of hcg), and he said that it is quite unusual not to get any 'products' from a D&C at this stage, he seemed to fall quite firmly in the 'they did not get everything' camp.

I dunno. I just found an article that looked at hcg levels post misoprostol/mifepristone termination, with a nice pretty graph and it seems to me my numbers are right in line with the average there. I wouldn't think there would be a big difference in hcg decline post medical vs. surgical termination.

Anyhoo, more b/w and an u/s tomorrow. I think I should be happy that they're being proactive, but it seems a bit like premature proactivity to me. Guess we'll find out.

Friday, June 18, 2010


I really was doing okay most of this week. Physically I still felt absolutely fine (although mildly nauseous Wednesday night and I went to bed at 8pm which never happens). Emotionally I did feel a bit numb, except when I told a friend at work whom I had told about the pg the week before. I was bawling in her office. Which in a way made me feel better as I hadn't cried at all since leaving the doctor's office on Friday. It's fairly easy to tell people via the sterile medium of the internet, but actually saying it out loud was hard. Really hard.

Then my doctor's office called today to say that the pathology report had come back, and they were unable to identify any "products of conception". The docs had spoken to the OB who did the D&C and she was surprised as she was sure they had gotten everything. And they're not overly concerned about retained 'products' as I'm feeling totally normal. But, they wanted me to come in for a beta, and probably a few more over the next few weeks, to make sure that it is decreasing appropriately.

Honestly, I have almost found this news harder to take than even the initial shock of seeing that Schweffel had no heartbeat. I know so many people who have had miscarriages, from chemicals to well into the second trimester that it was not a shock to me. I wasn't expecting the baby to be dead, but I wasn't NOT expecting it either. So yeah, it sucked, but in a way I had prepared myself for it. This, though, hadn't even crossed my mind. No genetic testing, no finding out the baby's gender (did my following the chinese calendar for the girl I would love to have work?), no nothing.

I had imagined myself getting a sense of closure from the results. Now I have no evidence whatsoever that there was a baby inside me. Two positive pregnancy tests which I threw out because they were getting nasty looking (I did at least take a picture), and one ultrasound that I didn't even get a picture from. I DID see a baby there, I DID. But there's nothing left, not even a few chromosomes. Oh yeah and I have a lovely beer gut too. I had convinced myself that it was getting smaller but really that was just wishful thinking.

I'm trying really hard to avoid thinking about worst case scenarios (and based on things some of my friends have gone through like two rounds of misoprostol followed by three D&C's, I can come up with some doozies.) It's hard to be optimistic though. I guess that's what this news has taken away from me. I was lucky enough to get pregnant on our first cycle trying this time. So I was imagining that I would be pregnant again in the near enough future. Now I can't even think about that because I feel like there are too many hurdles to overcome. I know I'm being a little melodramatic but I really do feel like I've been punched in the gut after just having had surgery.

Monday, June 14, 2010


D&C is done. And I feel the same as I did before. No cramping, no pain, really nothing to tell my mind that it's over. There is a little blood, I suppose that's something, but I still just can't wrap my mind around it. I haven't even really cried about it today.

I was planning on writing one of my usual rundowns of exactly what happened, but there really isn't much to tell. They stuck an IV in me in pre-op (we were amazed how many people were there at 6 in the morning!), asked me a bunch of questions about allergies, previous medical history, etc., discussed the anesthesia plans with me (MAC - monitor and something I forget now), and then wheeled me into the OR. We were talking about playing ice hockey and skating, and that's the last thing I remember until I woke up as they were wheeling me into recovery. I just felt like I'd had a nice nap. And that was it. I had to drink something, pee, and then could go home.

I made DH stop at TJ's on the way home to get some cinnamon buns for lunch.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

More details on Schweffel's demise.

When I went into the ultrasound room the tech first looked at my uterus, and I saw flashes of something inside there, then checked my ovaries (I was thinking that the pic was so much less clear than when we were going through treatments, but realize now that's because this was an abdominal u/s).

She then moved on to the baby. I didn't notice at the time that there was no movement. What I did see was no heartbeat. She switched on the view where you can see blood flow, and I didn't realize at the time that there was no blood flow in schweffel either. Mine around the uterus was there, but nothing going inside. She did a few measurements of the crown-rump length, and I noticed that the calculation said 8w6d... then said she had to go and get the doctor.

I choked up a little and said, "I didn't see a heartbeat, did you?". She responded, "No, I'm sorry". Handed me a box of tissues, and said I should wait there a few minutes while she got the doctor. I started to text DH but then thought, what am I thinking, and just called him. It was so hard to tell him, definite waterworks. He asked if he should come in, I said I didn't know, and he said he was on his way. Such a sweetheart.

The doc came in and mentioned that I had asked the u/s tech about the h/b. I told him this was my third pregnancy so I knew what I was looking for. Poor guy, he tried so hard to be diplomatic in asking me what happened in the other two pg. He was really sensitive about it, I have heard stories from my friends about much more callous doctors and nurses, but they were both great. as can be in that situation I suppose. He did confirm no heartbeat, and that the dating was not too far off where I was supposed to be, so Schweffel probably died within the last week or so.

Which is interesting because I finally started feeling queasy through most of the day middle of last week, but that disappeared again earlier this week. Timing was probably not coincidental.

I met with my doc after that, and she talked to me about the options - waiting for a natural miscarriage, taking drugs to induce one, or a D&C. I told her I was pretty sure I was leaning towards a D&C, we were in the midst of talking about that when DH arrived. I asked if we could have a few minutes, she very quickly got up and said, "Of course!".

I needed that hug.

We talked about the options for a few minutes, then told the doc we were ready to talk to her again. She went through the D&C procedure, that we'd been scheduled for 8am Monday morning which means we have to be there at 6, and then I had to sign some consent forms, including one for either taking charge of the remains for a funeral (or I guess whatever else we wanted to do) or having the hospital dispose of them. Mark said no funeral, so we signed for hospital disposal. I think all the options stink actually. Even with a natural miscarriage, I guess the baby would just be flushed down the toilet which doesn't seem like a great ending either. I may change my mind on this I'm not sure yet.

I guess that's about it for now. I've been doing a bit of research on what to expect with the D&C. I did have one after Timmy was born because I was continuing to bleed and they wanted to make sure there wasn't any retained placenta, so I know the basics, although that was different because I was awake with a spinal block, whereas this time they're going to use IV meds for anesthesia and I think I won't remember it? I do remember thinking during that procedure how nasty it was to hear the vacuum and how awful it would be to hear that and know they were vacuuming your baby out. I guess they do it a bit differently, or I'm about to find out.

Friday, June 11, 2010

C'est fini.

I had my first OB appointment today. It was originally scheduled for 6w6d, but when I found out they wouldn't be doing an u/s I rescheduled for today, 9w3d, when hopefully I'd be able to hear the h/b with the doppler.

Only they couldn't find it. And then they did an u/s and there was no h/b there either.

So now I'm scheduled for a D&C on Monday.

Schweffel was measuring 8w6d, so it seems like it happened recently.

And now, I'm sitting here typing this and eating raw salami. I don't know what it says about me that that's the first 'forbidden' thing I'm doing. Not wine, but salami.

Monday, May 03, 2010

LP news

Um, so yeah. Apparently a 10-day LP IS enough to support a pregnancy. I got a + test yesterday at 12dpo :D

CB still hadn't arrived by the afternoon of 11dpo which is when I was expecting her. And then it got to be night, and still nothing. The following morning, my temp was still up, no sign of anything remotely red, and I had to pee like a horse, so I pulled out a test.

OF COURSE I couldn't get the stupid test open, there was no notch anywhere, I tried my teeth on one end, then the other, fingers a few more times and finally almost peeing my pants got it open using my teeth in the middle.

Relief! Watched the test as the urine went up the window, and could see something there right away. Shock! It was a definite second line, albeit quite faint. So. There we have it. Crossing fingers that all goes well from here.

Friday, April 23, 2010

More and more cycles.

I decided back after my last cycles post that it really didn't make sense for us to be ttc just then; we're building a new house, and being pregnant while doing that didn't make a whole lot of sense (which turned out to be a good thing because had it happened relatively quickly, the house has NOT, and would have made things, um, interesting).

In the meantime, I've been tracking my cycles. It's interesting to me, while they generally tend to be around the normal 27-28 days, I O a few days late and then have a short LP. Here's the list so far:

Cycle # CD of O LP length
1 37 6
2 22 6
3 23 7
4 21 9
5 21 9
6 15 9
7 20 10
8 17 10
9 18 10?

(The last is a ? because it hasn't happened yet. And maybe it won't...)

It's nice that my LP has been getting marginally longer each month, usually about 6-12 hours per month. And yes, I have been somewhat obsessive about all this tracking!